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Redefining a friendship??? What on earth does this even mean? Are you planning on downgrading your “friend” from ‘talk on the phone 17 times a day and share funny little texts with each other’ to ‘coffee pals’? What do you want out of this? Do you want it to go the other way around? Redefine the friendship from coffee pals to intimate oneness? What game are you playing at?
Are you a girl trying to let a guy down easy? A guy trying to get a girl to get down? I’ll tell you what- Stop trying to redefine the friendship. It’s like getting sick of Rover because he’s been crapping all over the house and redefining your relationship with him from house-dog to backyard-dog. He’s not going to like it. And frankly, it’s not Rovers fault. It’s yours. Also, you’re missing the point.
Don’t blame Rover just because YOU tried to make him into something he’s not. Equally so, do not blame your dudeship for his/her behavior. Believe it- your behavior makes an enormous impact on what kind of relationship you have with the world around you.
Here’s the truth- If you lie about the kind of person you are, people will treat you like the lie you are trying to be. Believe it or not, humans have an incredible capacity for acceptance. People get themselves into trouble when they think that they need to lie to be accepted. Don’t fall into this seductive trap. If you want to be someone’s friend, then go and be their friend. Now. If you want to be romantically involved with someone, go… I don’t know… WOO them or something. Don’t try to achieve the latter by the means of the former. Equally so, do not try to achieve the former by means of the latter. Seriously though…
Repeat after me- It’s not his/her fault. It is mine.
No go do something about it. But honestly, start here… http://www.dudeships.net
So now you know about dudeships. You’ve read the book. You’ve done your homework outside of class. You’re relationship is supposedly fixed. Now what??? Read on my friend.
1. You’re single- My hope for you is that you are more aware of the relationships in your life. Maybe you are madly in love with one of your friends. Well champ… it’s time to do something about it. Or maybe not. Maybe it’s better for you stop being the one to carry the burden of keeping the “friendship” together. Free up some time. Enroll in a yoga class. Find a hobby. Who knows? Try asking yourself this question- “Is this person fulfilling all my needs? Is my relationship with this person based on the merits of the current relationship? Or am I basing the joy I get from this relationship on the assumption that there will be ‘more’ in the future?”
The most important thing to ask yourself is this- Do my intentions with this relationship and his/her intentions with this relationship match up? Or are one of us(wouldn’t it be nice if it was “BOTH of us”?)hoping/waiting/lusting etc. for something else? Think about it for a moment.
2. You’re in a CR- My hope for you is that you’ve asked yourself a series of questions such as “Who is more important, the dudeships in my life, or my CR?” as well as “Is what I’m doing/ who I’m hanging out with hurting or helping the health of my most important relationships?”. Ultimately my hope for you is that you see things for what they are, and that the cloud of confusion that sits on our everyday lives has been lifted, and that you can see clearly what has been in front of your face this whole time. An article we came across recently gives another, corroborating perspective focusing on the merits of seeing dudeships for what they really are when you are in the midst of a committed relationship- http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/health/2013907660_friend13.html?syndication=rss Enjoy.
Food for thought- Figure out what is important to you and protect it.
The Chorus of a song is usually the theme. The gist. The crux. The thing you remember.
What is the chorus of the dudeship?
After publishing 50 or so pages of what the dudeship is. The writers and now thinking. What is the dudeship really?
Well, we think we have an answer, and we want our readers, the ones who Dudeships really belongs to, to help us out, as always.
We think The Dudeship is simply a word that underscores a way of life. A way to see the world when single or in a CR. A way to demystify our relationships to the people around us and to enlighten the few who choose to accept it. We don’t care what you do with your Dudeships. Keep them, end them, ride them out. Whatever. We’ve done our part in letting you know what they are, how they behave, and where they exist in your world. We showed you that a spade is a spade and that you don’t have to live a life of illusion. Men and women cannot be “friends”… And just in case you were wondering… we’re not saying sorry.
If that sounds like our chorus, let us know.
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Formership- You are a beast. You are so simple, yet so confusing. You are the eternal scourge of my existence because… frankly… you suck. You make life so difficult for the dudeship writers because every week or so you knock on our door and yell “NO WAIT! I’M AN EXCEPTION, I SWEAR!!!!!”. Dude… I’m not buying it. And stop knocking on the door please. It’s loud, annoying, and frankly, my roommate is sleeping.
Formership, why do you think you can claw your way out of being a dudeship and into “genuine friend” zone? You think that just because two people dated and have decided that they are not right for each other that they can just be friends? What happens when one gets into a relationship? Who takes priority then? Formership, you sound more like a committed relationship with all the emotional intimacy but without the sex than you do a friendship.
But it does beg the question. When two people date, become genuinely romantically disinterested with each other afterwards, take some time off, then reconnect as great friends at a later time… what is that? Is it still a formership? If they both believe they would never date each other ever again, but enjoy the intimacy of knowing each other so well BECAUSE they dated… what’s going on here?
I’m seriously considering creation of a WTFship… because I’m seriously puzzled here. Could use some help from our readers. Now is your time to shine.
Have you stopped referring to your opposite sex friends as “friends” yet? Remember, friends is a broad term that will inevitably confuse situations and relationships. Having friends is a great thing – but you have to call them by what they truly are. With members of the same sex you have friendships – with members of the opposite sex you have CRs, dudeships, organizationships, or coupleships. Period. There is no in-between. As you walk down the road toward Dudeships bliss it is important to hammer the language in your head. If you haven’t identified which of these categories your current “friendships” fall into there is no better time than the present. Remember, we are here to help guide you from darkness into the light. And we welcome any questions you have.
For those who read through our ebook (www.dudeships.net) and think that in our material we are extolling you to give up your opposite sex friendships, you couldn’t be more wrong. What we are doing is reclassifing those friendships into either Dudeships, Organizationships, or Coupleships. The terms are the foundation of the Dudeship principals, and you cannot graduate to your sophomore year at Dudeships University without a firm understanding of them.
If you are in a CR (if you aren’t yet familiar with our abbreviations, give our ebook a long overdue glance) and still maintain that your best “friend” is a member of the opposite sex you are living in a fantasy world. Once you understand the Dudeships idea, you will understand that the above situation is as crazy as a rational adult trying to convince somebody that their best friend is a 5 year old. The similarities are important. Do you have to severe ties with your opposite sex best friend (OSBF)? No, of course not. But you do have to redefine the parameters of that friendship (see “Dudeships Recovery Plan” in the ebook you are long overdue to look at). If you and your 5 year old best friend went out for meals alone, called and texted on a regular basis, and we’re emotionally dependent on each other that would probably raise a few red flags. Think of your OSBF in the same way.
Image by Skokie Public Library via Flickr
If you’ve read our eBook, you understand that we’ve chosen to help mankind by simplifying the experience of male-female friendships. For those of you dreading the dangerous waters of having close friends of the opposite sex WHILE you are in a relationship, let us help you avoid the inevitable fight that is coming your way when your significant other decides he/she is no longer ok with that “friend” of yours.
The first and only place we need to look for this exercise if your cell phone. You see, the cell phone – in addition to becoming a handy little, must-have, do-everything, I-can’t -be-without-it device is also a relationship barometer. This isn’t limited to romantic relationships. Give any stranger 15 minutes with your phone and they’ll be able to deduce quite a bit about your life. Your text message chatter, your call frequency to certain people, the emails that are sitting on your phone (if you don’t yet have email on your phone don’t worry, one day you will – it’s the inevitable hand of progress…….like the driver’s side airbag), all are a conduit into your social life. So as you struggle to incorporate the Dudeships philosophy into your life, we offer this crucial piece of advice – start with your cell phone.
If you are in a committed relationship and need to redefine some of your opposite sex friendships, your cell phone is ground zero. Are you texting friends of the opposite gender “just because”? Stop. Now. It’s a crutch that you don’t need, and will potentially create confusion or jealousy later on. It’s not worth the risk. Replace those texts with texts to a same sex friend. Those phone calls for no reason should stop too. Call your girlffriend instead, or your boyfriend, or your soroity sister or fraternity brother. Reaching out in this way can only strengthen your dudeships, jeopardize your CRs, and confuse the hell out of you. It’s not worth the risk. Get on this program for a month and you’ll be confident that after 15 minutes of digging through your cell phone your significant other will understand that indeed you are on the Dudeships bandwagon(in a good way).
What is missing in today’s marketplace is just that- A Practical Guide To Cross-Gender Friendships. We find ourselves, our friends, and our pop-culture icons in these relationships all the time. In fact, I bet you’re in one right now. But we in our 2010 culture still don’t know exactly where to put cross-gender friendships in our mental map. We find ourselves fidgeting when we try to classify them-
- Friends… with benefits.
- Friends… but I would date her if she was into it.
- Friends… because she knows lots of hot women.
- Friends… because my boyfriend/husband just doesn’t talk to me the same way he does.
- Friends… until she breaks up with her boyfriend.
- Friends… but down the line, who knows!
We’ve got this one broad term to describe a whole mess of things that just doesn’t have a category in our mental map of relationships.
Here’s what I’d like you to do right now. Decide that you’re not playing this game anymore. Decide that once and for all you are going to live your life to the fullest by having straightforward relationships in your life that you can pour yourself into without the fear of being rejected for WHO YOU ARE.
You rock. The people in your life should agree.
Read the Free eBook on the subject and leave a comment below letting us know how we did.
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- He wishes he could be you… Not in a role model kind of way… more like a rummage around in your trash, steal your personal information and steal your identity sort of way.
- He liked your girlfriend first… and he’s quite bitter about it.
- He has a long-term plan regarding your girlfriend… and spoiler alert… you’re not included.
- He gives her advice. Think critically for a moment… do you think he’s on your side?
- He has watched more romantic comedies than you, and he really truly believes that the girl ends up with the best friend. He really wants this to be real life.
- He may never tell your girlfriend how he really feels… or he may just suppress it until you’re out of the picture(or worse… on the rocks. Go back and look at #4… you think this guy has your back?)
- He is basically Jason Bateman from this movie. –
Learn more about who this guy is, and more importantly, how to address this kind of issue in your relationship at http://www.dudeships.net. There you’ll find our free ebook. It’s worth every penny. : )
Does your girlfriend have a guyfriend? What are your thoughts on this guy?
We serve a niche- Men and women around the world deluded into thinking that men and women can have a functioning friendship. Here is the problem with each gender.
Men: You think that by being “friends” with a girl long enough, she will someday wake up and realize that the best thing(you, of course) for her has been in front of her nose the whole time. Or you watch some romantic comedy where the girl ends up with the “best friend” and then try and jump your bones.
Women: You think that by siphoning off men into the “friendzone” that the feelings he has for you will just gradually disappear.
Unfortunately, both genders are wrong, and the issue is a lot more complicated(well… we simplify it). We understand because we’ve been on both sides. We wrote our book so that we can demystify and well… help both genders so that they can-
Men: Stop wasting your time on a woman who doesn’t see you for what you are- awesome(and totally worthy of a woman who wants to fulfill you in every way… not just one who likes to spill her emotional baggage onto you every now and again.)
Women: No more “I really think we’re better as just friends” or “I don’t like you in that way” conversations. These are awkward… and from what we’ve heard, they lead to a lot of emotional hurt on your behalf because you had this man in your life who was parading around like your “friend” when in fact he truly has romantic feelings for you. Also, no more jealous boyfriend. That’s right! By letting him know that you are aware of the dynamics that we talk about in our book, you will literally be eliminating his cause for jealousy. This will make your relationship roughly 4 gazillion times healthier. Don’t try the math… we didn’t.
So check out the free ebook at www.dudeships.net and finally figure this all out. Happy reading. And don’t forget to leave comments about things you’ve learned, stories, or hey, even if you disagree. We’d love to hear from you.